Welcome to the Peteor network

Crazy German Kid

2007-10-10T03:07:00.000-07:00

So America produced that royal freak of nature Chris Crocker, the Britney Spears weirdo. Here's the German response. I don't know about you but I'd rather be stuck in a lift with Chris anyday over this nutter.

Some funky ads

2007-05-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Crazy Lady

2007-04-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

This woman has issues. If I were her I'd look to be emancipated or something.

Another tragic loss!

2007-04-28T03:44:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not a domestic God but I'm sure I'm not the only person to think that pizza would keep pretty well in the fridge.

There was a pizza left over from that pizza and drink thing we did last December, and it was only in March I decided to eat it, because I prefer different pizza.

Only then did notice that pizzas only keep for 3 days in the ice-box! Mine was just in the fridge part for 4 months.

After giving it some thought I decided it mightn't be a good idea to eat it.

It was once pepperoni

My new blog!

2007-04-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm finding it tough to write new posts for this blog. Many of you probably think I should be committed, locked up and the key thrown away. So just to show I've a serious side to me and not completely nuts I've another blog that'll do me when I trip across the water too.

See it at
http://peteonthestreet.blogspot.com/

I'll update this one occasionally too.

Charlie the Unicorn!

2007-04-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

Nipple Piercing!

2007-04-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I decided to go get my nipples (Fred and Wilma) pierced, and I had the great fortune to meet my mate Emily who lives in Spain on the bus (while she was home obviously). Out of curiosity she followed me to watch this great event and luckily had a camera on hand. From the photos it's clear to see I need to work out on the abs, but feck off and give me a break, I work out enough in the pub!

Anyhoo, here's what happens when you get your nips pierced.

01 - Here I am braced for the piercing. He grabs the nipple between his fingers....

02 - Then he rams a needle between the bits of nip he had in his hand. This is where he goes
back to his tray to pick up the captive ball piercing.

03 - Then he slips the piercing into the hole the needle has created and screws on the ball, thus finishing the piercing. At this point I felt a little light headed but kept my mouth shut... heck I'd probably have been easier to pierce if I was passed out!

04 - The second nip still had to be done, which is pretty much the same as the first one, except it's more painful... hard to imagine, but true!

05 - It's all over, I've been told there's no other piercing as painful as this one... and I believe it!

Before I had my tongue pierced I was told it wouldn't hurt, just a little sting, and that's all it was. But here he warned me this would hurt... and it did!

The feeling straight after was one of burning in my nipples, like a nipple twister that wouldn't end! Pain would come in waves and I was in pretty much shock for an hour after I had it.

Taking care of them:
The work isn't over yet though. My nips must be washed about 6 times a day in saline solution, I use contact lens solution, it's quite good. It'd be pretty rotten to get an infection there so I don't want that to happen. For 2 or 3 days they're pretty sore most of the time, but now they're beginning to feel pretty nice, but itchy... I guess that's a sign of healing.

Money well spent I think!

Don't work hard

2007-04-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

Mary and Sue are two girls at work, Mary came up to me the other day whingin that Sue was lazy and buck useless at working on the bar floor. I drew it to Mary's attention that Sue was collecting about 3 times the amount of tips she did. Then I gave her a quick lesson in working hard and working smart.

Working Hard
Mary works hard, she flies about the floor collecting glasses and taking plenty orders for the bar. This is great for the owner of the bar because it means more money for him

Working Smart
Sue takes her time around the floor of the bar. She'll flutter her eyes at the boyos and melt their hearts, she'll also make friends with the girls and become their best friends for the night. After creating this bond with the customers they feel more obliged to tip her when they ask for a drink. (By the way it's not compulsory to tip in Ireland). So by the end of the night Sue has made about 30 euro in tips and hardly broken a sweat when Mary is fit for the knacker's yard.

This is the same no matter what we do in life. If you can get someone else to do your work while taking the credit for it, do it, and in no time at all you'll be made management while the poor workhorse below has a nervous breakdown from overwork. As an act of kindness you can give him a lift to the mental hospital in your mercedes, because it'd be too bad to let him walk. Be sure he keeps his blackberry on though because now he has time to think and give a clear and thoughtful report which is due on Friday.

If anyone reading this ever thinks about working for me, don't even dream of working smart, work hard, there's only room for one of us.

How to get rid of charity workers

2007-03-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today I've found the secret to fending off those overpaid charity workers who are there to haunt and destroy you in the street. Instead of telling them you're a poor student or whatever just tell em you already donate to their charity. This will secretly annoy them because they won't get commission, so be prepared for more questions:

1. How long have you donated?
- Play it safe and say two months in case the charity is new.

2. Have you received our tax declaration thingy form?
- Yes isn't that where you manage to get more money out of my donation? I did get it and I must look over it when I get the chance.

One major mistake I made one day when I was stopped by a child sponsorship person was to pretend I already sponsored a child. She was Slovak herself and was giving me a proper grilling about it, when she asked me what country did I sponsor a child in, I blurted Poland. The look of horror on her face when I said this as she explained to me that Poland isn't a third world country.
"It was when I started sponsoring" and I got the fuck outta there as quick as my trotters would take me.

Another option would be to wear a bell around your neck and carry a sign "Leper".

Little known facts about Donegal

2007-03-27T03:58:00.000-07:00

Little known facts about Dear Old Donegal;
(especially aimed at the ignorants who think the following...)
My fellow Donegal gems,this especially for ye!!
1- Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

2- At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert's...NOT 11 plus', GCSE or A-levels!

3- We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

4- Our car licence plates are likeeg: "06-DL-1234" and NOT "YIBA 7HA99"

5- Contrary to what some Dub's think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

6- We DO get TV3.

7- We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

8- Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

9- "Aye","wee","staysh","yon" are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

10- Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either)and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

11- There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly.

12- Dunfanaghy is pronounced "Dun fan a hee", NOT "Dun fonn a gee!"13- Ardara is pronounced "Ard Ra" NOT "Are Dara!"

14- We dont' not shag sheep and ride our cousins.... bar Glenswilly.

15- So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

16- MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

17- Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

18- Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

19- Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

20- We gave the world Daniel O'Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid's Football Special drink....what has your county done!!!

Cuban Fridges

2007-03-16T05:21:00.000-07:00

I've run out of inspiration for writing at the moment, so please amuse yourself with some images of Cuban fridges:

Farty Foods

2007-03-15T03:33:00.000-07:00

I'm compiling a list of food which causes wind. This should serve as a fact sheet for anyone who's heading out and needs to... not fart. If you have any foods you'd like added, drop a comment. Here's my three so far

1. Undercooked Rabbit Burger:
As tried in Madrid. This stuff will crucify the poor person who tries it. In this case the burger was still scarlet red and pretty cold in the middle, but well cooked on the outside. About 3 hours of wind followed which felt like every hurricane that passed through Florida was emitting from my nether regions. Definitely one to be careful of.

2. Dried Apricots:
These little fellas not only cause wind, but create a difficult one to pass. Meaning CRAMPS! After having a feed of about half a box of these I was buckled over with horrendous cramps and ended up in Accident and Emergency of St. Vincent's Hospital. Granted I was there with my mate Alex who was sick, but I had the wind anyway.
- Not one to learn to quickly I had another feed of them a week later and found the same thing.

3. Beans:
The old reliable

Chai Ice-cream!

2007-03-03T02:37:00.000-08:00

I was flicking through the internet and came across the Irish blogger awards. Turns out a lad in Kerry is nominated for his "Ice Cream Ireland" blog which gives recipes for sweet stuff and just has a little chat about his life and stuff.

The deadly thing is this lad has a recipe for Chai Ice Cream! I must try this one sometime... If it goes well with lattes I'm sure it'll go well with ice-cream too.

Chai ice-cream!

A tragic loss

2007-02-27T09:07:00.000-08:00

3 cheeseburgers tragically lost their lives today because I accidentally put lettuce on them...

What's wrong with that? I know it tastes better without lettuce.. but is it really such an awful thing?

I'm a Cow!

2007-02-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

Boa (Mark) the Chinese dude at work told me I was born in the Chinese year of the cow. Which is completely kick ass because cows are mighty fellows! So being in the year of the cow means:

Advantages of Cow people: Powerful individual, successful, unyielding, stubborn, can be a good leader, can be a good parent, upright, inspiration to others, placid and easygoing, self assurance, quiet, good with hands, eloquent with public.

Disadvantages of Cow people: Conservative, easily misunderstood in family relationship, cool attitudes, unemotional responses, anger easily.

A lot of the above I guess is kinda true, which is deadly. Boa also told me this is a good year to have a child because they'll be rich and I could cream off the little tyke for cash later in life... I think if i actually had a kid I'd impoverish myself and need to scab a few notes from them... They'd be so poor they'd get creative and find ways of making money. So I guess it'd be pretty true that the child would end up rich if I father before the end of the year.

Jeez I've no intentions of that!

Would you like a heart attack with that?

2007-02-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

After working in a chipper for just over a week I'm beginning to wonder how the heck are some people still alive? The place I work has a grand enough menu but the only cooked food you can buy that's remotely healthy is the fried rice. Burgers, chips, sausages, even nice bits of chicken are all tossed into the hot oil and deep fat fried. When the stuff is taken out they're usually dripping and soaked through with glorified lard. ACK! But it's damn tasty though.

They can't drive in Minnesota

2007-02-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

I must be crazy going to this place. They're terrible drivers!

earwax

2007-02-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Still thinking about those earplugs, I wonder what nutrients are in earwax...

Whales have earwax too. Do they use cotton buds?

Humans and Dolphins

2007-02-15T13:59:00.001-08:00

So they say dolphins are quite like humans, they save people, laugh funny and enjoy a good ride like the rest of us.

Do they fart?

The perfect earplug?

2007-02-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing?

I think not. The perfect earplug in my opinion would be soft enough to go in easily without stopping the blood circulation around your head, foamy enough to expand quickly in your lug, It would stay in all night so you'd not be woken up at 4am by those pisshead 1st years outside (Fond memories of being one of them) but also let ya hear the damn alarm clock.

If there is such a thing as a perfect earplug......ah feck it there's not.

How to drive in Ireland

2007-02-07T09:46:00.001-08:00

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish
driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else
will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance
you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no
insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage
as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you
without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's
a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a
suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush
hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of
respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the
home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of
Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the
light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover,
it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen
right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your
hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get
ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No
one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

Prof. Pete explains hangover shits

2007-02-07T06:13:00.000-08:00

One of life's great mysteries is why do we get the trots after a heavy night out on the booze? This is a problem that affects millions of people worldwide, and after extensive research I found an article on google which explains this phenomenon
-----------

The answer is relatively straightforward: Alcohol is a toxin, and is toxic to the human body in even moderate amounts.

While we may have a few drinks and not feel anything, our body certainly takes notice of the alcohol. Alcohol is toxic to any area of the body that it touches -- from the point where it comes in contact with the oral cavity and is swallowed, down the esophagus, and into the stomach, alcohol is poisonous to cells and tissues of these parts of the digestive system.

The absorption of alcohol begins in the stomach and continues in the small intestine, where the bulk of the alcohol is absorbed. As the intestinal cells absorb the alcohol, the toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water, and some cells even die. The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed.

The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea. The diarrhea usually lasts for several hours until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system.

Diarrhea after the consumption of alcohol is not a universal side effect. Many of us who drink do not have episodes of diarrhea afterwards. Why this occurs in some and not others is most likely related to the sensitivity of our individual digestive systems to alcohol, along with the amount of alcohol consumed. Furthermore, other kinds of food and drink can certainly cause and/or worsen diarrhea that was already caused by alcohol.

Dieting Tips

2007-01-29T02:56:00.000-08:00

A great deal of people approach me and say "Pete, you were a fat little shit of a child, how did u manage to lose those tons?" So now I feel it my obligation to reveal to you, my dear reader, how in fact Pete managed to shed enough fat to grease the pans of a thousand chefs. But let me tell you now, it wasn't achieved overnight.. or by one simple method..

Method 1: SES Method.
- SES stands for stop eating shit... go figure

Method 2: Sore throat method
- Next time you have a sore throat, don't feel obliged to take pain killers or anything to relive the pain, except perhaps for a cup of tea and honey.
- Try eat then fatty, hurts doesn't it? Well not as much as having your stomach stapled or liposuction, so get used to it.

Method 3: Shanks Mare Method.
- Walk more, it'll help burn those pounds.

Method 4: The secret one
- If the above mentioned methods don't work, for a small fee of €150 I'll actually tell you how I did it... and let me tell you it was quite easy! ha! Enjoy 1-3. And tell me about it so I may bask in your misery.... lardo.

Professor Pete explains Flatulence

2007-01-28T07:56:00.001-08:00

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

What makes farts stink?
The odour of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more rich-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts? (Question submitted by many, many people!)
Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and do not feel particularly warm. Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?
Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly; at the same time, we hear them.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they are alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?
Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog that was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who do not. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. In addition, going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomachache from the gas pressure. However, one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that many people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

Do all people fart in their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I do not think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they are awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts are not really lost, just delayed.

How can one cover up a fart?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting! Some people call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people are injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but also your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you do not have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content has exploded during surgery when the surgeon used electric cauterisation.

Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill-fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Not so healthy

2007-01-28T07:47:00.001-08:00

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

2007-01-17T14:21:00.001-08:00

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on St. Stephen's Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

How to Speak Donegal

2007-01-03T05:38:00.000-08:00

If you ever decide to cross the Erne and visit Donegal (and yes, Bundoran is now part of Leitrim) You may want to learn the lingo:

A = I
Aul = Old
Aul Boy = Father
Aul Doll = Mother
Bother = Hassle
Buck = Boy or Man
Canny = Cannot
Cuttie = girl
Dinny = Don’t
Doll = Girl or Woman
Foundered = Extremely cold
Fray = From
Gan = Going
Gawkin = Looking/staring
Geesa = Give me a
Gon =Please
Handlin = Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi = Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay = Have
Like = used everywhere and anywhere we can fit it in!
Lock = Small amount of something
Mind = To remember
Mon = Come on
Naw = No
Nuance = Unusual
Pure = Very
Purdies = Potatoes
Rare = Strange or Unusual
Tole = Told
Thon = That
Tight = Cruel
Way'ne = Child
Wee = Small
Well = Hello
Weins = Babies or Children
Wheen = Small amount of something
Wile = Very or Terrible
Yes = Hello
Yer Whan = Her over there
Yer boy = Him over there

German Jokes

2007-01-03T05:35:00.000-08:00

Everyone loves these German jokes, so here they are again (Those of you who don't read my bebo page)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

****

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

****

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

****

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

****

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

****

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

****

Why do women fake 0rgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

****

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house"

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit"

****

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

****

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

How to find truffles

2006-12-31T07:45:00.000-08:00

Due to popular demand, and people asking me in the street everyday, I've decided to give you a quick and easy guide to finding truffles.

Ingredients:
i) Tree
ii) Pig

How to:
i) Select a likely tree, usually a fir, poplar or oak. Helps to be in a Mediterranean area with sparse undergrowth.
ii) Set loose your truffle pig. Once it has found a truffle pull the fella back before it eats all the truffle.
iii) Get on your knees, and feel beneath the surface until you find a spherical lump. Sniff for scent of truffle tuber. Collect in a wicker basket, or maybe a bag.

How to make the perfect cup of Irish tea

2006-12-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

Here's a thing which not everyone is taught about when they come to Ireland... How to make a mean cup of tea.

It's pretty sickening to think that not everyone knows how to do this simplest of tasks, so I'll fix it now.

Recipe: Cup of Tea (Irish style)

Ingredients:
i) Barry's Red Label tea bags
ii) Tea pot
iii) Milk or sugar (depends on yourself)
iv) Kettle
v) Mug
vi) Water

Preparation:
i) Boil the water with the kettle, and I mean boiling, not just hot!
ii) Here's the real secret! Throw a good splash of boiling water into the pot, swish it around and fire it down the sink (the water, not the pot)
iii) Throw in tea bags 1 bag for every 2 cups is a good rule of thumb. Any more and it'll be tar.
iv) Stir with a spoon, or let it brew for a minute or two.
v) Pout into the mug and add milk and sugar to taste.

2006-12-25T08:38:00.000-08:00

Discovered something savage last night, I call it "The Ham, Cheese and Lettuce Pita" and it's a mighty little beast of a meal which can be attempted with any level of sobriety.

Ingredients:
Ham,
Cheese,
Lettuce,
Pita,
Butter.

Preparation:
i) Pour a nice glass of fine red wine, air a little.
ii) Wash pita and bung it into the toaster
iii) Hold wine in hand a swirl a little.
iv) Drink the wine a little, and nibble some of the cheese.
v) Walk around looking sophisticated with a glass of wine in one hand and cheese in the other.
vi) Take pita outta toaster, butter her up and stick the ingredients into her in any order.
vii) Sip some more wine and enjoy!

Don't forget to credit me with this genius recipe.

2006-12-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

So I finally got a blog, nice one.