How to find truffles

Due to popular demand, and people asking me in the street everyday, I've decided to give you a quick and easy guide to finding truffles.

Ingredients:
i) Tree
ii) Pig

How to:
i) Select a likely tree, usually a fir, poplar or oak. Helps to be in a Mediterranean area with sparse undergrowth.
ii) Set loose your truffle pig. Once it has found a truffle pull the fella back before it eats all the truffle.
iii) Get on your knees, and feel beneath the surface until you find a spherical lump. Sniff for scent of truffle tuber. Collect in a wicker basket, or maybe a bag.