Dieting Tips

A great deal of people approach me and say "Pete, you were a fat little shit of a child, how did u manage to lose those tons?" So now I feel it my obligation to reveal to you, my dear reader, how in fact Pete managed to shed enough fat to grease the pans of a thousand chefs. But let me tell you now, it wasn't achieved overnight.. or by one simple method..

Method 1: SES Method.
- SES stands for stop eating shit... go figure

Method 2: Sore throat method
- Next time you have a sore throat, don't feel obliged to take pain killers or anything to relive the pain, except perhaps for a cup of tea and honey.
- Try eat then fatty, hurts doesn't it? Well not as much as having your stomach stapled or liposuction, so get used to it.

Method 3: Shanks Mare Method.
- Walk more, it'll help burn those pounds.

Method 4: The secret one
- If the above mentioned methods don't work, for a small fee of €150 I'll actually tell you how I did it... and let me tell you it was quite easy! ha! Enjoy 1-3. And tell me about it so I may bask in your misery.... lardo.

Professor Pete explains Flatulence

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS, BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

What makes farts stink?
The odour of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more rich-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts? (Question submitted by many, many people!)
Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and do not feel particularly warm. Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a litre of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?
Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly; at the same time, we hear them.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they are alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?
Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog that was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who do not. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. In addition, going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomachache from the gas pressure. However, one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that many people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

Do all people fart in their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I do not think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they are awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts are not really lost, just delayed.

How can one cover up a fart?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting! Some people call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people are injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but also your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you do not have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content has exploded during surgery when the surgeon used electric cauterisation.

Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill-fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Not so healthy

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

1. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
2. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
3. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
7. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
8. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
9. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
10. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
11. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
12. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
13. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
14. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
15. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
16. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
17. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
18. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on St. Stephen's Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
19. On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

How to Speak Donegal

If you ever decide to cross the Erne and visit Donegal (and yes, Bundoran is now part of Leitrim) You may want to learn the lingo:


A = I
Aul = Old
Aul Boy = Father
Aul Doll = Mother
Bother = Hassle
Buck = Boy or Man
Canny = Cannot
Cuttie = girl
Dinny = Don’t
Doll = Girl or Woman
Foundered = Extremely cold
Fray = From
Gan = Going
Gawkin = Looking/staring
Geesa = Give me a
Gon =Please
Handlin = Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi = Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay = Have
Like = used everywhere and anywhere we can fit it in!
Lock = Small amount of something
Mind = To remember
Mon = Come on
Naw = No
Nuance = Unusual
Pure = Very
Purdies = Potatoes
Rare = Strange or Unusual
Tole = Told
Thon = That
Tight = Cruel
Way'ne = Child
Wee = Small
Well = Hello
Weins = Babies or Children
Wheen = Small amount of something
Wile = Very or Terrible
Yes = Hello
Yer Whan = Her over there
Yer boy = Him over there

German Jokes

Everyone loves these German jokes, so here they are again (Those of you who don't read my bebo page)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

****

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

****

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

****

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

****

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

****

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

****

Why do women fake 0rgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

****

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house"

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit"

****

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

****

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.